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I apologize for the incoherent shit that just happened in the last post. I needed a way to just mind-barf. Sorry for mind-barfing on your dash.
So things have been pretty shitty this past
few weeks summer. Because I guess my boyfriend and I are completely over. I know it’s not the end of the world and I know that I really need to focus on school and life and pharm school and socializing but it just really, really hurts.
It hurts because after all the emotional turmoil I went through from high school to winter of freshmen year, I really thought that this time I wouldn’t let myself be exposed so stupidly again. And yet, I cried my heart out to him and exposed every imperfection (physical and mental) I was ashamed of within the first 3 months. I told him I loved him first. Maybe that’s where I went wrong, I don’t know. Maybe just like before, he just went along with it, not realizing how sincere I was being. I just thought he would be that him?
The worst part is that I never changed since those first three months. If anything, I just fell stupidly faster and harder while he seemed to just dip and then move upwards and onwards.
I feel humiliated. I feel used. I feel confused. I feel numb.
I want everything back to the way it was. To when I was the center of his life and he of mine (if that grammatically made any sense). I know that’s not healthy but I know I was happy and confident about life; I could do anything if I knew that he was going to stay by my side.
I just wish I knew why it had to be this way.
i’m like an npc i won’t do anything unless you interact with me
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